3 Ways to Beat Negativity and Slander in Your Friend Group

Photo by Gonzalo Baeza

I had an incredible house in college.

The dingy old "Sheila House" was everything I needed—dirt cheap rent, an acceptable house (one that wouldn't fall over), and a group of awesome roommates. It was perfect. We stuffed 8 guys into that place.

Only 4 were on the lease. Don't tell the landlord.

While we had some great times, we also had the same struggles as any house full of college kids does—like weird situations with bills, confusion over cleaning responsibilities, or misunderstandings that turn into groups of frustrated roommates...


I've lived in more than a few houses. And I've talked to a lot of other people from a lot of other houses. And here's something I've found out:

Roommates tend to struggle with negativity.

The Struggle of Slander

The most common gateway to negativity is slander.

What is slander? Well, let me give you some examples. Glad you're so curious today.

Think about the last time you said:

• So-and-so is just so annoying when he does this thing.
• She never shuts up about her boyfriend.
• He's just so freaking selfish. He never thinks about anyone but himself.
• [Insert comically demeaning impression of goofy friend here]

Those things could be considered slander.

Here's the thing—those kinds of ideas are infectious. When you hear them, they spread to you. When you say them, they spread to your friends. Take a minute to remember the last time you heard someone talking about someone else.

"John is a selfish jerk."

I'm willing to bet your mind automatically took on that person's idea, at least partially. And the next time you looked at the person being talked about, you thought, "Man, I guess John really is selfish." And your view of him was damaged because of it.

Slander is Destructive

We are all social learners. We all learn from other people. We can very quickly and easily change a friend's perception of other people if we start talking about them.

I don't think I need to explain to you how this can damage interpersonal relationships between friends, roommates, or families. I think we all know full well it's true. Because we've all experienced pain or isolation because of it.

Slander can be extremely damaging to:

• your ministry
• your friendships
• your spiritual community (you need this to be healthy)
• your friends themselves

Here's why it messes all these things up. When we talk bad about someone to someone else, we're disagreeing with the "Original Design" of that person—the plan God has had for that person from the beginning.

We're dooming them to be less than they were created to be in our own minds.

And that's sad. Especially when I look back and see the damage it's caused in my own life.

I have a long, colored history of participating in negativity. I've soured a friend's thoughts about another friend. I've joined in disparaging conversation about someone else that lead to a strained house community. I've even caused one of my roommates to stop trusting one of my other roommates.

And I want to tell you from experience—It's not worth it.

I believe slander is a tool used by Satan to destroy healthy community and isolate us.

3 Ways to Fight Negativity and Promote Community in Your House

If I want community in my house, I've found that I have to make a conscious effort to notice and fight slander and negativity when they pop up.

Here are three ways to do this:

1. Challenge what you hear about other people. When someone says something bad about another person, you normally believe it without questioning it. Then, you hear that negative echo in your head every time you're with them. I talked about slander to a friend recently...and she had realized that none of her bad thoughts even originated from her own mind. They were all from hearing other people talk about someone. She also realized they weren't even true. When you hear something about someone, ask yourself, "Do I think this is true? Or do my friends just think this is true?"

2. Open up your life. If you live in a house, be inclusive. Letting people in on your plans will break down barriers of isolation and lead to powerful community. It can also lead to healing conversation. Opening up to your friends is a powerful weapon when you're fighting to beat negativity and restore good friendship.

3. Be intentionally and awkwardly nice. Here's my favorite way to fight slander. When someone I know talks bad about someone else, I try to think of something extremely nice to say about the person being talked about. That always makes things super awkward, because NO ONE talks nice about people anymore...but it also unlocks something hidden away in people—their desire to build up their friends.  If you want to change a culture of negativity and stop slander, break the pattern by saying something awkwardly nice.


Fighting negativity requires two things: First, noticing it. Second, choosing to do something about it. Choose to do something about it when you notice it. If you're lonely or you need a good support system that's broken because of negativity—don't settle for it.

Change the game. Change your house. Change the world.