Recently, my thoughts and prayers have been consumed by the idea that it may be time for me to refine my understanding of the idea of "spiritual discipline."
What got me thinking about this is when a woman named Susan on permanent staff at Cedar Springs asked a group of the interns, "What do you think about when you think of the word discipline?" When I think of that word, the first things that come to my mind are the not things I want to do... but the things I have to do. Disciplines are the things that you have to do sometimes so that you can do what you want to other times. They are the type of things that you are supposed to do because if you don't... it isn't good. A discipline is kind of like going to the doctor; you don't really want to, but you know you need to do it at some point and you'll be glad to get it out of the way. So that is what I told her. And as she began her response, I could tell that she thought much differently...
"Yeah, I wonder why we see discipline like that? Discipline is supposed to be freeing to us..."
Wait, what?
When I think "discipline," or even "spiritual discipline," I don't really associate the term "freedom" in there. If anything, discipline feels a little bit imprisoning. Often the only reason why I do some of the things I do is because I feel like I should.
I have lived a spiritual life infested with the word "should." I should be reading my bible right now. I should be praying in this moment. I haven't had a quiet time this morning. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something about that was not life giving... In fact, operating in that way sometimes feels down right imprisoning. And it seems to come from the subconscious realization that I don't truly want to read my bible right now, etc. at that specific time. I want to have some fun... or talk to someone. And then, realizing the fact that my desires are what leads me to action, my only play I have is to try to change my desires. "If I can just make myself want to do this..." We can be very cold and tyrannical to our own hearts when we realize that our desires aren't what they "should" be. It's kind of a losing battle... we can't tell our hearts what our desires should be. And honestly, "should" is the reason why many people are fed up with Christianity!
As we discussed this with Susan at our training time, the words "should" and "supposed to" popped up quite a bit. We talked about how it was hard for certain people (myself...) to get up in the morning and spend time in the word each day. I talked about how I felt guilty when I would get lost in journaling to God and then run out of time without having opened my bible. Susan would ask us why we felt that way, and our response was always something like, "because that's what you're supposed to do." Susan would counter with "Why? Who said? Who told you you had to?" I mean... I guess no one told me to.
What if I don't have to use a specific recipe for my relationship with God?
What if our raw desires, the things we want and love most, are the road map to intimacy with God?
What if "spiritual discipline" is the logistical means to that goal?
As we continued talking, I began to realize some very important things about spiritual discipline: it wasn't intended to come from a place of "should." In fact, it seems as if it is designed to come from a place of "want" or "desire!" Elizabeth Dreyer says, "One can begin one's [spiritual] quest by attending to the desires of the heart, both personal and communal. The Spirit is revealed in our genuine hopes for ourselves and for the world."
What if instead of spending time in the way I think I should spend time with God, I spent time in the way I desired to spend time with Him? Maybe it's okay that I journal to God more than I read scripture sometimes. Maybe going for a walk or a hike is a way to spend time with God. Maybe fellowship with two of my friends is something God loves too. Maybe the "quiet time rule" isn't a rule. Here is a quote I love from the book Sacred Rhythms:
"When we are in touch with our deepest longings, a whole different set of choices opens up. Rather than being motivated by guilt and obligation -- as in "I really ought to have a quiet time" or "I really should pray more" -- we are compelled to seek out ways of living that are congruent with our deepest desires. Sometimes this feels risky, and it often opens up a whole new set of questions, but this is fundamentally what spiritual transformation is all about: choosing the way of life that opens us to the presence of God in the places of our being where our truest desires and deepest longings stir. These discoveries are available to all of us as we become more honest in naming what isn't working so that we can craft a way of life that is more congruent with our deepest desires."
Am I really allowed to let my desires be what guides my time with the Lord? If so, what does it even mean to allow our desires to dictate our relationship with God? There seems to be a disconnect there. But I think the disconnect comes from the fact that we don't equate our perceived desires with the specific qualities of God that each of us specifically were designed to long for. We simply see what we want, and we notice that it isn't God. It's something else, like a story, or a girlfriend/boyfriend, or an activity we gain an identity from. But if we truly were made for God, then we logically should believe that God is truly what we want. So when we look at each of our idols, we are essentially seeing something that looks like something we were made to love about God. Therefore, we can look at the things we desire in this world to see clues as to the parts of God that we resonate with the most... and the parts he most wants to connect with us!
I know that often times when I feel condemned due to "should," it is because of my lack of faith that God put in me the heart framework necessary for my true desires to carry me into what God desires for me. And I think it is necessary to remember that there is both value and necessity in things such as scripture and prayer in the Christian life. But what if we don't have to contort the way we feel we were meant to live deep within us in order to have full, special relationship with God that lacks nothing? What if each of our relationships with God can be beautifully unique, natural, and fruitful? What if the benefits of spiritual discipline, under it all, are our real desires? You can bet your bottom dollar that Jesus didn't "escape to lonely places to pray" out of sheer duty.
It seems to me that, in essence, spiritual disciplines are a means to those desires. The spiritual disciplines come from our desires. I liken it to trying to play piano. I love music, and I love the way the piano sounds. I have an intense desire to be able to use the piano to glorify God. But I can't play it yet. So, currently I make time to sit in my room and practice. Sometimes it is fun, and sometimes it isn't incredibly fun, but to me it is always worth it, because it is really exhilarating to watch myself get better... I can almost taste it! Soon I will be playing the piano!
And maybe that's how it is...
Anyway, I have just found some incredible freedom in these thoughts; it has freed me from a lot of self condemnation. To quote Mel Gibson, "FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Romans 8:1-2: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
Galatians 5:1: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
