What About When You Aren't There Anymore?

YL Leader Survival Guide, Chapter 8

There's nothing like a close relationship between a Young Life leader and a high school kid.


Intergenerational ministry is a beautiful thing. Its how generations of humans learned valuable life wisdom without having to make terrible mistakes of their own.

But amidst America's public school culture, Generations Y & Z are finding themselves increasingly without older mentors in their lives.

And that's where we come in.

Young Life and other youth ministries have stepped up to the plate, valiantly declaring that we would not leave these precious young people behind. As we gain the trust of our younger friends, we are able to provide them with unconditional love, wise counsel, and someone to go to bat for them in prayer.

And I know from experience on both sides that this carries immense life-changing power.

Amidst all the fun sleepovers, deep conversations, and freezing cold fall camp zip line experiences, however, we sometimes forget that we just aren't going to be there forever. Especially when we're in college. It's hard to ever imagine your college life coming to an end, but take my word for it: it does.

Things Change.

Marriages. Jobs. Out-of-state colleges. City relocations (I just moved to Nashville, this happens).

My friend Elise used to always say "Friends come for seasons and for reasons." I didn't want to accept it when I was in college, but now I realize its the normal cycle of life. People are around for parts of life, and then they move on. I've led a lot of high school people in six years of ministry, and I don't really get see or talk to most of them much anymore. Our lives have stopped being intertwined. I'm actually really sad about it.

Are your high school friends going to be ready for your departure?

Of course, they're not going to like it. Of course, you're "never going to leave them." But assuming you don't have time to facilitate their spiritual growth anymore, will it continue?

Before Steve Jobs died, he found someone to replace him as CEO of Apple. He made sure the company was in good hands at the time of his passing away. If he hadn't, who knows if the person taking over Apple would have the same vision for the company as him?

There will be a time when you will not be around to meet the needs of your high school friends. You have to find a place where your vision for them can endure, and get them plugged into that place. And don't let leader codependency be the reason that you don't encourage them be poured into by multiple sources. This is about them, not about you.

If you know you will be leaving one day, what can you do to set your friends up for success after your departure?

How about a Church?

Bingo. This is something we often forget about when we are out doing our campaigner groups, one-on-one meetings at Chick-fil-a, and just our overall lives within the Young Life bubble.

Some people don't have a ton of love for the traditional church, and I totally get that. But I guarantee you that somewhere around you there is a group of Christians you identify with, Christians that make you stronger and more yourself just by being around them. You need those people.

And your high school friends need that exactly as much as you do.

Notice that I capitalized the C in Church. This is because I mean the Church in terms of a body of believers, not the place with the pews and hymnals. Your Church doesn't even have to have a steeple!

We all know that without a community, people are weak and often go off the deep end. I've seen it in high schoolers, friends my own age, and definitely myself, too. We were made to need community.

If you're a leader of recently graduated folks, then get them into a college ministry: A church college group, RUF, Quest (not the hotline), Campus Crusade... anything, really. Unless its like a cult or something. Maybe don't send them to a cult.

The Starfish and the Spider

Work hard to create a Starfish Ministry, not a Spider Ministry.

When you cut off a spider's leg, the whole spider dies. But when you cut off a starfish's leg, not only does it grow that leg back, but the severed leg grows into a whole other starfish.

Ori Brafman and Rod Beckstrom wrote a leadership book called The Starfish and the Spider, based on this principle.

When you set yourself up as the head, and then you have to leave, what is going to happen?  Be vigilant about creating a world that isn't 100% dependent on whether or not you are in it. That doesn't mean you have to not be their leader, but it might mean encouraging them to experience Christ in ways that aren't necessarily dependent on you.

And maybe they aren't ready for that yet, and that's totally okay. Chances are, if they're Young Life kids, they probably aren't. But it's all about having the Starfish mindset.

Work to create spiritual life in your friends that won't die when you remove yourself from it.

Do them a favor, and when they're ready, get them into the Church.


Acts 2:42-47 - "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

If You're Isolated, You're in Trouble

  by  laszlo-photo 

YL Leader Survival Guide, Chapter 7

What's the difference between a strong leader and a weak leader?

Ok, it's not as simple as that. But I'll tell you one difference: A strong leader has a healthy, thriving community. A weak leader doesn't.

Strength in Numbers

Community, a stalwart source of all sorts of spiritual sustenance (say that out loud), is your insulated overcoat in the blistering, ruthless tundra of the ministry field. None of us are stronger by ourselves than we are with a group of people who are committed to caring for us. Because when we are weak they keep our minds clear, encourage us, and remind us of our worth.

As different members of the Body of Christ, we each have a role to fill in a group. The body needs every part available to it to function at peak efficiency. Every part is vitally important. Givers, encouragers, teachers, counselors, etc. freely give their nourishing gifts to strengthen the entire group. And each member needs what every other member brings.

Going lone wolf, especially in ministry, is a recipe for disaster. It's like a quarterback walking onto the field by himself. It's like me trying to drive without my prescription eyewear. Do you really want me to drive on the same road as you without my prescription eyewear?

Here's a helpful scouting report, though. The enemy works to destroy community. So if you want it, you're going to have to fight for it.

The Fiery Arrows of Isolation

Back in the days of swords and bows, armies would shoot flaming arrows into an unsuspecting enemy's camp. But the main use of this strategy wasn't to kill people... it was to cause complete havoc. It was to separate the camp. The attackers knew that an army marching together was much more fearsome than a bunch of isolated soldiers, far from the instruction of their general.

This is how the enemy attacks us. Fiery arrows of isolation keep us from experiencing community. When a person becomes isolated, a person becomes weak.

What do your arrows look like? If the arrows had names, what would they be?

It's Time To Dig Deeper.

Don't be fooled. Community is not just hanging out with people. Community is intentional. It continues outside of team meeting and bible study, and it's one of the sweetest things there is. And often times we don't pursue this higher standard because we don't know there really can be more.

Do you feel nourished by your community? Because if you don't, the people in your group probably don't either.

A good, honest conversation might lead you to openness and depth you've never experienced before in a relationship with a specific friend. I've had some awesome conversations with my close friends about how I desire deeper, more meaningful friendship with them. In my experience, these desires are almost always reciprocated; often times, they were thinking the same thing, but neither of us had said anything!

 Be free to speak about your hopes and desires.  It often leads to deep, newfound spiritual companionship. Don't be afraid to step towards a good friend into deeper relationship; you both might need it.

You're going to have to fight for fruitful community. But it's something worth fighting for.



 Proverbs 27:17 - "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 - "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him - a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Galatians 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

It Doesn't Have to Look a Certain Way

YL Leader Survival Guide, Chapter 6

Well, thanks to the lethal combination of moving cities (I am now a proud resident of Nashville) and the predictably inept services of Comcast, I seem to be a little late with this one. So far, our service has been nothing short of Comcastic.

#downwithcomcast

side note: One time, my cousin's TV, powered by Comcast, was frozen on the word Comcastic for three full hours while he was trying to watch a movie. Now that is funny.

Moving is always a lot crazier than you think it's going to be. It's an opportunity to change your scenery, your habits, and to some extent your definition of who you are. I have a habit of leaving things behind places, and so naturally my moving experience was filled with realizing I was missing things, and then sending a request that items left behind either be shipped or stowed away somewhere, along with an apology. Welcome to my life. I plan to leave that habit behind.

Thanks to Lani Short for the email you sent; your email provided a great starting direction for this post!

We talked about diversity, and how we need to embrace our differences as strengths, as assets to our ministry. But we haven't yet talked at length about how each unique ministry is an incredible asset to the overarching ministry in the school. These are the necessary parts that hold Young Life as you know it together at your school. Just like you are needed, the different looking ministry that you or a friend might have is necessary for that school to be redeemed by God's specific strategy of redemption for that school. You are part of that strategy.

It Doesn't Have To Look A Certain Way!

In fact, each ministry probably shouldn't look exactly the same, unless you have identical leaders pursuing identical kids...

But that's probably not the case.

Ministry is normally a pretty unique thing; unique leaders pursuing unique kids mainly leads to a very unique situation. And any time two things are different, we humans enjoy assigning "better" and "worse" tags to each of them.

Maybe you've noticed that less of your high school friends come to club than that other girl on your team. Maybe your kids don't come to club at all. Maybe they'd never set foot into the door even if you offered to pay them the minimum hourly wage that they make scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's on the weekends. I've had plenty of high school friends that were not interested in coming to club at all. But they were interested in me. At least, they were at least a little bit interested in me. they wouldn't have hung out with me if they weren't... right?

Ministries are inevitably going to look different, but the question is "Is this okay?" Is one ministry better than another because one group is ecstatic about Campaigners and one group laughs at the leader for suggesting such a silly thing? Is one person's ministry more powerful or more important than the other because more kids stood up at say-so? WHAT'S THE MEASURING STICK HERE???

The Short Answer

Yes, no, no, and maybe you should get that measuring stick idea out of your head before it kills you. Trust me on this one... I think very mathematically, and I am well acquainted with the measuring stick. It's a sham. People and ministries can't be plotted on a chart.

 The Long Answer

Sadly, self consciousness plagued my ministry for a good portion of my volunteer Young Life leader career. I looked at the ministry of other leaders and saw not only more kids, but kids who would actually say yes when their leaders wanted to hang out. What??

My question was "what am I doing wrong?" But my deeper question was "What's wrong with me?"

The lie here was that something's wrong with me because I don't see the specific results that I think I'm supposed to see. But we need to vastly change our mindset: What does success really mean?

"Leader A" wears his Kavu visor to class and brings a frisbee for afterwards in his Patagonia backpack. He's in all the skits, and his campaigner group meets every Tuesday night. His similarly dressed high school friends call him to hang out; they've been a part of Young Life for a long time, and they pretty much rule the school. It sometimes seems to the other leaders that their kids wish Leader A was their leader instead.

"Leader B" goes into the lunchroom once a week and sits with some gothic kids who either don't speak to him or make fun of him. He doesn't fit the mold of a normal YL leader, because he is a 40 year old career leader who has to use his lunch break to go to the high school to hang out. He arrives there in his business attire, which provides kids with excellent fodder for jokes. He doesn't have a lot to say, and he is ignored by most of the high schoolers in Leader A's group because he "just isn't that cool."

In a results based mindset, Leader A would be a much better and more successful leader than Leader B. Because Leader A has results, right? You can see them! But not so fast, my friend. Let's dig a little deeper into the way we see success by the way we measure results.

Lusting After the Results 

"Getting a lot of kids," or "kids being drawn to you," or "having a lot of kids at club/camp" have become extremely imprecise measurements of the work of God that have been given too much favor in the ministry culture; they easily become like a currency in our minds, which is just plain unhealthy. The amount of high schoolers that are excited to see you when you walk into the school is probably the LAST thing that should be considered a measurement of success. That tells people God's not at work because high schoolers aren't talking to them. and the underlying unspoken cause seems to be because they're just not good enough at what they do, or that they're doing it wrong.

Let me tell you something. If you are busting your tail to be available to high school kids, to show them through your actions, love, and words that Jesus wants to invite them into new life, you're not doing it wrong. Both Leader A and Leader B are doing something really important of equal value. But you probably already knew I was going to say that...

Instead of trying to conform your ministry to what you think it should be, based on the results you wish you had, that maybe God doesn't wish you had, be free to make your ministry a unique expression of yourself. Your ministry can reflect you! Don't feel shackled by a need to produce results, as defined by you. 

God is solely responsible for results.

And they aren't always the kind you are expecting. Be free to pour yourself out without the need of seeing a campaigner group forming or seeing your friends at club! Success isn't defined by those terms to God. Success is obedience to Him. Some of the coolest ministries I've ever seen were unique ones that ended with nobody ever coming to camp or club...

But that's the trick. Giving yourself permission to let your ministry be what it's trying to be, without contorting it to be a cheap knockoff of something else you think it should be.

Ministry Entrepreneurship

I am going to draw a connection between two things that you may not have seen connected before: entrepreneurship and ministry.

Letting yourself have a ministry that doesn't look like someone else's ministry is scary. It's straying from the "safe" beaten path. But I want to challenge you to be a ministry entrepreneur. An entrepreneur is constantly looking for an unfilled need or an unfulfilled niche that he/she has the means and the desire to serve, and when it's found he/she has a new business concept with a lot of potential. In order to find that niche, an entrepreneur must think outside the box and find a way to serve a group of people in a way other people haven't done so before... or to serve like-minded people in his/her own special customized fashion.

That's where these specialized ministries like Young Life come from in the first place, someone finding an unfilled need and creating something to fill it. That's where Young Lives, the ministry for teen parents, and Capernaum, the ministry for the mentally challenged, came from. Ministry needed to look different for them, and so someone created something new, just for them.

But it doesn't even have to be that drastic; You can be a ministry entrepreneur too. Take inventory of your strengths, and be free to explore all the space between the lines of Young Life, or whatever ministry you are a part of. Maybe that means hanging out at the park skateboarding with your high school friends instead of going to football practice with the other leaders. Maybe that means letting your love of music loose with some kids who love it too. Maybe it even means hanging out with a group of disinterested kids instead of club some weeks. Don't be afraid to let your ministry look different. (But... maybe ask your team leader for permission on that last one.)


Your personality produces your unique brand of ministry, and that brand of ministry is extremely valuable to your team. Why? Because "valuable to your team" doesn't and shouldn't mean numbers at club, or numbers at camp, or numbers of kids that give you an unsolicited hug when you walk into the lunch room. Value to your team means value to the Kingdom of God that He is building up in preparation for eternity. People of all types are invited into the Kingdom of God... and people of all types desperately need ministries of all types. Imagine a Young Life club that acted as a hub for all these different ministries... Pretty cool!

Here are some main ideas to sum up:

Be yourself.
Let your real self out, and stop telling it that it needs to be more like that other guy or girl. This was the hardest thing for me to do as a younger leader, because I just didn't believe that "myself" was worth very much. Learn from my mistakes and don't end up trying to jam a square peg in a round hole for three years.

Find the people YOU connect with.
Allow your real self to start making real friends. Listening to God is paramount here. And trusting him. You probably aren't always going to connect totally with the people you're called to, but hey, ministry is messy sometimes. Maybe start with some people who like things you like. And once you have some people in your sights...

Customize your ministry out of YOUR own strengths to fit THEIR needs.
When you connect with someone, you normally have some things in common. Find those out, and you'll have a basis on which to build your ministry; it often feels like ministry builds itself from there. Then you'll have ACTUAL friendship. I don't know if I realized that real friendship was the way Young Life was designed until my third year of doing it. Oops...

Young Life is a coming together of these smaller ministries.
This is how you make a club look like the school. A club that's a hub (a hub club, if you will) is a rockin' place to be. When I was placed at Carter High School, the athletes, the band kids, the honors calculus class, and the deer hunters all came together on Thursday night and sang Don't Stop Believin' as loud as they possibly could with their arms around one another. It was beautiful.

So, while the pressure to conform to one "brand" of ministry is definitely there, remember that many ministries look wildly different, and they are all still extremely valuable. Your ministry team needs all the different brands of ministry available to it so that it can serve the multitudes of different kids that may walk through its doors.


Ephesians 4:11-13 - So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.


P.S. Here's a question for you to answer in an email on the right side of the page, if you like: What is the most challenging part about your ministry this year? I will reply as promptly as possible. APAP.

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