Why Do I Get So Mad When I Lose?

Photo by Lenore Edman

When I lose, I get furious.

I just recently lost a game I really wanted to win. I REEEEAAALLLLYY wanted to win it.

I've been thinking about why I'm so mad. There's something deeper going on, and I haven't quite put my finger on it yet. But it's the deeper things inside of me that intrigue me most. And anything that I can't stop thinking about is worth digging to find the source.

I'm going to try and analyze the feeling I get when I lose. Hopefully you can gain some insight into your own life from it.

After I lose a game, my mind races. Why did I lose? I HAVE to know why I lost. What would have made me not lose? What can I do for next time so I won't lose? That's what's happening right now, even as I type this.

And when the other team celebrates their victory, it makes me even more mad. I hear them celebrating and the only thing I can think is "If I hadn't sucked so bad here and screwed up there, you wouldn't have even won. You're not even good." It seems as if I have a problem letting people be better than me.

I think the problem is that I value myself by my ability to prevail against adversity.

I don't know why, and I don't know how. But I have learned to define myself by what I do. After I lose, I get this tremendous urge to go practice for hours and hours, so that I will never ever lose again. So I will never ever not be enough again.

Yeah, I know. my identity isn't in what I do. It's in Jesus, right?

The problem is sometimes that doesn't mean anything to me. I can say it to myself, but that doesn't fix what's deeply wrong at my core. There's something wrong -- but it's too many layers deep. I can't see what it is.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being competitive, but I wonder if there is something wrong with where it's coming from.

My friends and I had a conversation on the beach about competitiveness a few years back, after a riveting game of beach Bocce. The question was this: "Do you love to win, or do you hate to lose?"

I hate to lose.

I think I'm even afraid to lose.

I'm afraid because of what it will mean about me...  that I won't be enough.

But what does "enough" mean?

Does enough really mean "good enough to win at a video game"? Yes, that's what's got me feeling like this, by the way. A video game. I know when I think logically about it that it's incredibly silly to say I'm not worthy because I lost a video game. But there's something in me that tells me I'm not until I can convince myself logically it's silly. And that's how I know there's something wrong way down deep inside me. My deep self believes it. I'm believing something about the world, about myself, that's not true. But it's buried deep inside me. It's like a computer virus, hidden in my computer. What could it be?

At least I know that much. And if your experience is similar, maybe you can use this as a shortcut to get at least this far.

Here's the question I'm going to struggle through this week. Why is it that I'm not defined by whether I try and succeed or whether I try and fail? Because I just don't know why that's a bad scale. I just know it is a bad scale.

I'm not going to stop here. I'm going to figure out.

 And if you are ever in the same place as me, I suggest you do the same. Because the answer is out there, and we don't have to live like this. We've been freed from having to believe in lies. So often, we just accept it because we don't think anything will ever change. But that's not true. God's plan for us is constant release into more and more freedom.

Join me in pushing forward to find the truth. Because the truth will set us free.

John 8: 31-36 - So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him,“We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?”

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.