The Secret Ingredient for Growing in Relationship With God and Getting Better at Stuff

Photo by Susan L.

"I'll never get better at this. I'm just bad at it."

Ever thought it? I sure have. What about this one:

"I wish I could just know God better."

That one hits home for me.

I've done a lot of wishing I could know God better. I've done a lot of thinking I'd never make any progress, either (especially in high school).

But since I've moved to Nashville, God's taught me something really cool through all my writing practice. He's taught me the secret ingredient to making progress -- in relationship with Him AND in getting better at stuff. So much value... rolled up into one tiny ingredient.

Want to know what it is?

Of course you do. Well then, let me tell you:

Just show up.

All you have to do is show up. And you'll be ahead of 90% of the rest of the world.  Allow me to explain.

I've noticed this pattern since I've been in Nashville. I realized nobody, myself included, wants to take the time to get good at stuff. I figured I should just be born a good writer, or I'm not gonna be a good writer.

But then, I started scheduling chunks of time to just write, not caring whether it was good or bad. Most of the time, it was complete crap (sorry, you can't see). But I realized that whenever I was doing it consistently, I was waking up better at it the next day. It somehow made me better... because I was actually writing. And when you're actually writing, you're actually getting better. And, sure enough, the next week I was writing slightly better stuff.

Woody Allen says, "80% of life is showing up."

I think he's onto something.

Why is showing up so important?

1. It gives us the time we need to grow.

When you do something once every 2 months, you're probably going to stay bad at it. And then, you're going to say, "Why am I not getting better? I must just not be able to get better. I must just be stuck like this..." But that's the problem you have when you aren't doing it frequently enough. You've gotta trust the process, whether it's a skill or a relationship.

 We need time with God to grow our relationship with Him. Sit down for 15 minutes per day for a month and listen to him, and see what happens. Watch yourself get annoyed the first few times when you can't hear him, keep showing up, and then get watch yourself get better and better.

2. It takes a long time to grow. 

Doing something over a long period of time is what changes us. When you work out consistently for months at a time, that's when your physical body dramatically changes. When you spend time with God consistently for months at a time, that's when your heart dramatically changes. It takes longer than a few weeks to actually change.

3. It often doesn't depend on us to grow.

This is especially true when it comes to growing spiritually. We don't have to change ourselves. God changes us. And it doesn't take anything special -- it just takes time. And that's true in any relationship. If you want to grow in a relationship, you just have to invest time. You don't have to do something really hard. You just have to show up.

Also, this is how "muscle memory" works (the thing that your body needs to play guitar).You just do the same thing over and over, until your fingers do the thing without you even having to think about it. It doesn't take special talent to do the same thing over and over.

4. When you show up, you start seeing where you need to improve. 

Yes, "perfect practice" is the only way to get "perfect." BUT, perfect practice is just being conscious of what you're messing up on as you're practicing. Show up, and then you can figure out the rest while you're there.

This works in a relationship with God, too. Showing up is wayyy more important than getting yourself right beforehand. That's why God says, "Come as you are." Because if you show up, you can work out the kinks when you get there. And besides... God cares a lot more about YOU than he cares about the kinks.

So, if it's not that hard to show up... then why's it so hard to get myself to do it?

The process of doing it isn't what's hard. It's getting ourselves started that's the hard part. It's not hard, but it is. Why?

We're afraid of imperfection. We don't want it to be messy. We want to have our stuff together. In writing, music, God, everything. Things have to be right the first time around. We have to write a best selling novel with the first story we write. We have to be "living better" before we show our face around God.

But imperfection is part of showing up. We have to write poorly before we can write well. We have to have awkward times with God, where we don't know what to talk about, where we say, "uhh... um... I like your... clouds.. today...." before we get comfortable enough to go deeper. But that's the beauty of it. It's supposed to be messy at first. Showing up doesn't require perfection. It really just requires... showing up.

So, the moral of the story:

If you want to get better at writing: write.
If you want to get better at Chinese: speak Chinese.
If you want to get closer to God: show up.

See the pattern?

Whatever your goal is -- writing, photography, guitar, a deeper relationship with God -- try making it a priority to just show up every day. You'll most likely find that your results get WAYYYY better.

When Christians Should Feel Guilty (and When They Shouldn't)

Photo by ms.akr

We've all done some crap.

And I don't think any of us are proud of it.

In fact, we Christians do a whole lot of feeling bad about it.  Almost all the time.

We live life like we're constantly trying to dig our way out of this gigantic hole, and God's not going to be happy until we get out of the hole.

"Is this good enough for you today?"
"Have I avoided your wrath today?"

Even worship.

"Let me sing to you so I can make up the ground from all the times I've screwed up."

We like to call this "guilt."

Some of us are resistant to it. People who are resistant often end up leaving the church. Because it's hard as crap to live with a big condemning guilt-trip hammer above your head all the time, threatening to smash you. I don't blame them, honestly.

Why?

Because no one was meant to live that way.

See, we're all used to guilt meaning we are less valuable. We all hear things like, "You should have... but instead you..." and they begin to steal our self worth, because we believe they're true. We believe it's what God thinks. Or it's at least what we think.

This is really sad. Because it runs people away from God. But God doesn't even use this kind of guilt. His voice is something entirely different.

The Two Kinds of Guilt

Type #1: Condemnation

Here's the kind of guilt people run away from: "You aren't good enough, and you should be. And so I'm constantly wishing you could be better than you are, and I'm disappointed in you every day."

It feels like it's a strike on who you are.

And condemnation is NOT God's voice.


Type #2: Conviction

This is the good kind of guilt. It's the kind of guilt God brings about. What's so "different" and "good" about this kind of guilt? It doesn't make you want to run away. Somehow, it instead makes you feel even stronger. It still hurts -- but it doesn't demean you.

 It says, "I know who you REALLY are. When you do this crap, you are SETTLING. Who you are is better than this, I designed you for something greater than this, I have better plans for you than this."

It's a call to BECOME who you are.

And conviction is God's voice.


There's something special about conviction. And something that sucks about condemnation. Do you see it? Do you see the difference? Condemnation is a strike on who you are, while conviction is a call to become who you are.

Condemnation makes you feel "less than." Conviction tells you the real you is so much more than this. One makes you want to change because fear, the other makes you want to change because of love.

One makes you feel completely worthless, and the other makes you feel like you are so extremely valuable.

How to Live Out of the Right Kind of Guilt

The way you live out of conviction is simple: Learn to hear the difference between conviction and condemnation. Only believe what's true about you. You're not worthless. You're not in a hole, trying to dig out so that God will like you.

When I was dealing with this a few months ago, I felt like God said, "I haven't condemned you. Why are you condemning yourself?"

I was condemning myself. Or rather, I was agreeing with whatever was condemning me.

The most common type of guilt we hear is condemnation. And the bad part is, we normally attribute it to God. "I screwed up today, I'm not going to be enough for God. Oh boy, He's mad at me again..." But it's not actually his voice.

God convicts, Satan condemns.

And so the real guilt, the only kind of guilt you should listen to, is the kind of guilt that doesn't make you want to run away. It's the kind of guilt that makes you stronger, not weaker. It's the kind of guilt that makes you see yourself as worth more, not less.

Because that's what's true. God's guilt will always be calling you to become who you truly are. It will never ever ever degrade who you truly are. And that's how you tell the difference.

Listen to the voices you hear that guilt you.
Listen to the voices that come out of your own mouth that guilt you.
What are they saying?
Are they trying to tear down something deep, or build up something deep?

That will tell you who's talking to you. And that will tell you whether to listen.

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death..."

Why You Need to Learn How to Laugh at Yourself

Being able to laugh at yourself is extremely Godly.

Why? That seems weird...

But it's super true. Let me tell you how I learned it.

Origin Story

From birth until 24 years of age, I was what some people like to call a "sensitive person." I got sad when people made fun of me. I took it personal when someone made a joke about something stupid I did. I just couldn't handle it. And I think that's pretty standard for people.

At least, from my experience anyways. Most everybody's insecure about SOMETHING. And when you get made fun of for that specific thing, it puts you on the defensive.

Then I met Damon, who didn't follow this rule at all.

Watching My Boss Laugh at Himself

Damon was my boss from 2011 to 2013.

Writing that makes me feel like I'm doing my resume. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm fairly confident that if there was a boss pageant, Damon would win. At least, in the "being a good boss" category of the pageant. And possibly the facial hair category as well.

One of the first things I noticed about Damon was his ability to laugh at himself. If he did something stupid, he would laugh just as hard as anyone else. And sometimes harder. It always mesmerized me that he was able to do that, because I knew I couldn't. 

Where I would go to great lengths to cover up the slightest screw-up on my part, Damon would broadcast the embarrassing things he did, often inviting people to chime in to comment on them.

I just couldn't understand why or how he did it.

Why did he offer himself up for other peoples' pleasure like that? How was he strong enough to do it without crying/dying on the inside?

Why Laughing at Yourself is Godly

I don't think we ever talked about it, Damon and I. 

I think one day, I just got it.

Damon's perception of his value wasn't tied up in what he did. Not even in the least bit. Somehow, he had achieved what many people only dream of. He had found a way to TRULY have his identity where it belonged -- in the fact that he was a son of God.

He knew he was a brilliant stroke from God's paint brush, a part of a grand mural that's telling a grand story. And no silly thing he did, like tripping or falling or having a booger in his nose while he was speaking at Youth Group, was going to change that.

And man, if that wasn't the most admirable thing in the whole wide world.

One day, it finally started to click with me, too. I began to understand how to laugh at myself, at my own weaknesses.

How to Laugh at Yourself

Let me tell you what you need to know to be free enough from your insecurity to laugh at yourself:

You need to know that the type of body you have doesn't define you.

You need to know that the type of mind you have doesn't define you, either.

You need to know that the things you can't control don't and will never define you as a person.

If you're clumsy, and you're self conscious about it, it doesn't define you.

If you are forgetful, and you're self conscious about it, it doesn't define you.

I used to be super self conscious about how slow I do things, and how I don't notice things, and how I do the DUMBEST things because I'm not paying attention to something obvious. Last week, when I was playing pool, I hit the orange 5 ball with my pool stick instead of the cue ball. Because in my mind, for some reason, the 5 was the cue ball. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I should get an award.

But here's the secret: I've learned not to associate "me" with the largely inept parts of my brain that don't do the jobs they're supposed to. 

My brain isn't me. My body isn't me. My soul is me. And God crafted my soul carefully and made it beautiful and powerful and useful and valuable. And that's where "me" is.

And because of that, I can laugh about how my dumb brain made me hit the 5 ball instead of the cue ball. I don't have to think about how much I suck because of the parts of me I don't like. Because those are just the shoddy parts of the "vehicle" my spirit is riding in.

Laughing at Yourself Makes People Like You More

One of my favorite parts of learning how to laugh at yourself without taking a deep strike on who you are is this: It honestly makes people like hanging out with you more.

Imagine with me for a second... You hang out with a friend, and your friend trips. You can't help but laugh a little. You really want to laugh at him, but you know he'd be really mad about it. So you try really hard not to laugh.

Now, Imagine a different scenario... Your friend trips, and goes tumbling down the stairs. He looks like an absolute fool. You let out an "oh my gosh" until you realize he's okay. And the way you find out he's okay is the cackling laughter emerging from the pile of carnage and school books. He says, "Holy cow, did you see that? that was hilarious!" So you feel better about that natural laugh that starts to set in. You and him laugh for thirty minutes about how silly he looked rolling down the stairs. What a goof.

You're going to like hanging out with the second person more.

When someone can be their natural self around you, they're going to feel more comfortable with you. They're going to feel like they can truly be themselves around you. And people love not having to edit themselves for fear that they might offend someone.

When one of your friends feels comfortable enough to laugh at you, they're saying, "We are good enough friends that I know you know I still love you, even if I mess with you a little bit." They see you as a strong person. That's why they feel comfortable making fun of you. And deep down, they're grateful that they don't have to edit themselves at all around you.

At least, that's often how it is...

I'll admit, I'm not perfect at laughing at myself. I still run from people making fun of me sometimes. But for the most part, I've learned to separate myself from the silly things my brain does. And it's just all around better for everybody.

Learn to laugh at yourself. It's a necessary life skill.

Damon for class president.

Actions, NOT Words, Define What You Believe

Photo by Cleft Clips

Have you ever known someone who said one thing and did another?

Maybe a friend who claimed to believe something, but their actions didn't line up with their beliefs?

Or maybe even a friend who claimed to hate Justin Bieber's music, but then you caught him listening to it in his car?

Closet Beliebers. They need to just own it already.

If you're like me, you probably do a lot of wondering, This just doesn't add up. Why does all this happen?

I came across an interesting story recently that sheds some light on the topic.

A marketing genius was talking to a class at USC a few years ago. And to prove a point, he asked his class:

"Raise your hand if you like going to plays more than going to the movies."

A bunch of hands went up.

"That's a load of crap and you know it," he said, "and I'm about to prove it!"

"Raise your hand if you've gone to a play in the past two weeks."

Nothing.

"Now raise your hand if you've seen a movie in the past two weeks."

Hands all over the place.

Seems to me like some kids believed that they were a little more hipster than they actually were.

His point: Trust peoples' actions, not their mouths.

Marketing gurus know not to take people just at their word. Because if you invest money into what someone says instead of what someone does, you might end up outta luck. Why? Because what people DO and what people SAY don't always match up. Trust what people buy, not what they say.

Marketers know people's decisions are driven more by emotions and less by logic. People like to see themselves in a more favorable light most of the time. Me included. We might say something in an emotionless situation, but DO something completely different when our "wants" get tangled up in it.

For instance, have you ever said to yourself, "I am content with the clothes I already have," and then gone out and bought another expensive pair of pants?

You didn't buy them because you needed them... you bought them because you wanted them. And that shows you that maybe you aren't as content as you thought you were.

Actions reveal deep wants, which do a much better job of showing us what we believe than our words do.

Crazy, right? Our actions show us what we believe.

We may say we believe something if it's what we feel like we "should" believe. We may even think we believe it ourselves. But if it doesn't show up in our actions, we must not believe it.

And thus, we end up with these little "Trojan Horse" beliefs about ourselves.

Think about it.

How many times have you heard your friends say, "I believe _______", but their actions don't match up?

How many times have you and I done the same thing?

I know for a fact I'm guilty. I say things like, "I know God will take care of me," and then I live my life like there's no way that's true. I start taking matters into my own hands, living out of fear, etc.

My point is this:

You can find out what you TRULY believe by watching yourself. How do you act? What are you doing? Does it line up with what you're saying? When it comes to belief, the actions will ALWAYS trump the words. That's why they have that saying about it:

"Actions speak louder than words."

Right?

Because actions reveal beliefs.

So if you wanna know what someone TRULY believes... don't listen to them. WATCH them.