I don't know about anyone else, but I have a really short fuse when it comes to waiting on God to speak to me.
There's something about waiting that's just repulsive... I guess I wouldn't consider myself a waiter (not the kind that bring people their food, although I can't see myself being able to deal with rude people well enough to work that job either). Maybe it's because we're here in good old America and we don't have to wait for anything, so we just get used to having what we want when we want... But I've learned something about myself through times I've had to wait; I just can't stand waiting.
God brought me outside into my yard today to have some time with Him. I didn't know why... I just felt like that's where I was supposed to go. And when I feel things like that, I normally begin to churn out thousands of expectations for what that time should look like: "Oh man, it's probably going to be something crazy that He's going to show me..." or, "Oh man, he even gave me a destination! He must have lots of things to say to me today..."
I went out there, sat down, and heard nothing.
I saw a bird next to me with a big juicy bug in its mouth. It squawked at me a few times, then opened up the old gullet and swallowed it whole. My mind was racing to try to figure out what it could mean. I finally parked at "Careful, Tim. Let's not try to be that guy and make something out of nothing."
I walked into the backyard and saw a rabbit taking shade under the long shadow of an overgrown bush. It stood still as I watched it. As I stood there watching, the thought entered my head, "I don't think I'm going to hear anything from God today."
That's never something I like to hear when I finally end up taking time out of my day to try. Doesn't always do wonders for your morale to push into that time tomorrow either.
My mind began racing. I was reminded of a conversation with a good friend a couple days ago about what happens when we are listening but God's not speaking. We discussed at length how we had both recently experienced times when we went out of our way to listen for God, but came away with nothing (or seemed to, anyway). And I have wondered about that place ever since, because it seems that that is the place He wants to address.
First of all, I think God likes being silent with me sometimes. A friend of mine one time at a bible study had us all find a place to lay down in the grass, and he told us not to pray. He said, "just be with God." I still remember that, and it was called to my mind today. It was as if God said, "You don't have to hear anything to be spending time with me." I wonder why I feel like I need to feel productivity all the time?
Secondly, I spend a great deal of my life chasing after whatever will make me feel good. I don't like to admit it, but I really do (you probably do too, get off that high horse). I have also noticed that at times I give up on listening to God quickly because it doesn't feel good to wait. I hate realizing things like that... It pretty much means I'm chasing after my own pleasure instead of making even my time with God about God. I think I'm really good at making the relationship I have with God all about me. And that's not congruent with His vision of how His people were meant to live in relationship with Him... actually, it's not even congruent with what we know about the way earthly relationships work. My definition of love is caring about someone else over yourself; putting their needs before your own. Only caring about what makes you feel good is Old Way living, as Larry Crabb would say. It's not love, it's selfishness. Love is me thinking about God's desires instead of my desires (Thinking about and praying for God's desires is a really powerful thing...).
There's something extremely intriguing to me about continuing to listen for God's voice when He is being silent. I think He likes it. I'm not super into that love language stuff, but if I had to guess, I would guess that our undivided attention is one of God's love languages. It means we stopped caring about us for a second, and now we care about only Him and what He might be doing or thinking about or caring about. That seems like something that would catch His eye, doesn't it?
So there I sat today, giving God the love offering of alertness for his voice in the silence. I'm convinced that God likes it at least as much when we sit reading or listening and don't hear anything as he does when we are listening as he is speaking loudly and clearly... considering we don't control whether he is speaking to us at all, past our own listening. God is the one in control of when God speaks. We can definitely shut him out if we try hard enough (God is a gentlemen, as I've heard it put), but when we are willing to listen, we are putting the ball in His court. And when we hear nothing, there's no way He is saying, "Oh no, I had a message for you but you MISSED it... ahh, well you blew it and I can't do anything about it now. You pretty much suck at this." Instead, I imagine Him saying, "Dang, look at Tim today. He's still listening even though I am remaining silent. He must really care about what I have to say."
There is a part of me that'd rather be in that situation. There is something really holy about it.
Therefore I can leave my silent time satisfied with having been a watchman, alert for the possibility of His voice, knowing that God was honored and accomplished His desires for me today.
That makes the waiting much more worth it to me.
Lamentations 3:24 - "I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.'"
