Understanding My Freedom

Recently, my thoughts and prayers have been consumed by the idea that it may be time for me to refine my understanding of the idea of "spiritual discipline."

What got me thinking about this is when a woman named Susan on permanent staff at Cedar Springs asked a group of the interns, "What do you think about when you think of the word discipline?" When I think of that word, the first things that come to my mind are the not things I want to do... but the things I have to do. Disciplines are the things that you have to do sometimes so that you can do what you want to other times. They are the type of things that you are supposed to do because if you don't... it isn't good. A discipline is kind of like going to the doctor; you don't really want to, but you know you need to do it at some point and you'll be glad to get it out of the way. So that is what I told her. And as she began her response, I could tell that she thought much differently...

"Yeah, I wonder why we see discipline like that? Discipline is supposed to be freeing to us..."

Wait, what?

When I think "discipline," or even "spiritual discipline," I don't really associate the term "freedom" in there. If anything, discipline feels a little bit imprisoning. Often the only reason why I do some of the things I do is because I feel like I should.

I have lived a spiritual life infested with the word "should." I should be reading my bible right now. I should be praying in this moment. I haven't had a quiet time this morning. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something about that was not life giving... In fact, operating in that way sometimes feels down right imprisoning. And it seems to come from the subconscious realization that I don't truly want to read my bible right now, etc. at that specific time. I want to have some fun... or talk to someone. And then, realizing the fact that my desires are what leads me to action, my only play I have is to try to change my desires. "If I can just make myself want to do this..." We can be very cold and tyrannical to our own hearts when we realize that our desires aren't what they "should" be. It's kind of a losing battle... we can't tell our hearts what our desires should be. And honestly, "should" is the reason why many people are fed up with Christianity!

As we discussed this with Susan at our training time, the words "should" and "supposed to" popped up quite a bit. We talked about how it was hard for certain people (myself...) to get up in the morning and spend time in the word each day. I talked about how I felt guilty when I would get lost in journaling to God and then run out of time without having opened my bible. Susan would ask us why we felt that way, and our response was always something like, "because that's what you're supposed to do." Susan would counter with "Why? Who said? Who told you you had to?" I mean... I guess no one told me to.

What if I don't have to use a specific recipe for my relationship with God?

What if our raw desires, the things we want and love most, are the road map to intimacy with God? 

What if "spiritual discipline" is the logistical means to that goal?

As we continued talking, I began to realize some very important things about spiritual discipline: it wasn't intended to come from a place of "should." In fact, it seems as if it is designed to come from a place of "want" or "desire!" Elizabeth Dreyer says, "One can begin one's [spiritual] quest by attending to the desires of the heart, both personal and communal. The Spirit is revealed in our genuine hopes for ourselves and for the world." 

What if instead of spending time in the way I think I should spend time with God, I spent time in the way I desired to spend time with Him? Maybe it's okay that I journal to God more than I read scripture sometimes. Maybe going for a walk or a hike is a way to spend time with God. Maybe fellowship with two of my friends is something God loves too. Maybe the "quiet time rule" isn't a rule. Here is a quote I love from the book Sacred Rhythms:

"When we are in touch with our deepest longings, a whole different set of choices opens up. Rather than being motivated by guilt and obligation -- as in "I really ought to have a quiet time" or "I really should pray more" -- we are compelled to seek out ways of living that are congruent with our deepest desires. Sometimes this feels risky, and it often opens up a whole new set of questions, but this is fundamentally what spiritual transformation is all about: choosing the way of life that opens us to the presence of God in the places of our being where our truest desires and deepest longings stir. These discoveries are available to all of us as we become more honest in naming what isn't working so that we can craft a way of life that is more congruent with our deepest desires."

Am I really allowed to let my desires be what guides my time with the Lord? If so, what does it even mean to allow our desires to dictate our relationship with God? There seems to be a disconnect there. But I think the disconnect comes from the fact that we don't equate our perceived desires with the specific qualities of God that each of us specifically were designed to long for. We simply see what we want, and we notice that it isn't God. It's something else, like a story, or a girlfriend/boyfriend, or an activity we gain an identity from. But if we truly were made for God, then we logically should believe that God is truly what we want. So when we look at each of our idols, we are essentially seeing something that looks like something we were made to love about God. Therefore, we can look at the things we desire in this world to see clues as to the parts of God that we resonate with the most... and the parts he most wants to connect with us!

I know that often times when I feel condemned due to "should," it is because of my lack of faith that God put in me the heart framework necessary for my true desires to carry me into what God desires for me. And I think it is necessary to remember that there is both value and necessity in things such as scripture and prayer in the Christian life. But what if we don't have to contort the way we feel we were meant to live deep within us in order to have full, special relationship with God that lacks nothing? What if each of our relationships with God can be beautifully unique, natural, and fruitful?  What if the benefits of spiritual discipline, under it all, are our real desires? You can bet your bottom dollar that Jesus didn't "escape to lonely places to pray" out of sheer duty.

It seems to me that, in essence, spiritual disciplines are a means to those desires. The spiritual disciplines come from our desires. I liken it to trying to play piano. I love music, and I love the way the piano sounds. I have an intense desire to be able to use the piano to glorify God. But I can't play it yet. So, currently I make time to sit in my room and practice. Sometimes it is fun, and sometimes it isn't incredibly fun, but to me it is always worth it, because it is really exhilarating to watch myself get better... I can almost taste it! Soon I will be playing the piano!

And maybe that's how it is...

Anyway, I have just found some incredible freedom in these thoughts; it has freed me from a lot of self condemnation. To quote Mel Gibson, "FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Romans 8:1-2: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Galatians 5:1: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Learning to Seek Clarity

So much of my life pulls me away from my Original Design.

So much of my life pulls me away from God.

          I am struck over and over again by the way I can learn something important, something genuinely special, and then live my life in a way that says, "I don't believe this is really true." God has been teaching me so much about the way he specifically designed me this year. So quickly, in fact, that I feel like I am Neo from The Matrix as he opens his eyes after having information uploaded into his brain and states with great surprise and not so great acting, "I know Kung Fu..." And yet, from all the things I feel that I have learned about myself and even about the people that live around me, I just can't seem to shake the feeling of dissonance that comes from not living each day out of that newfound knowledge of my identity.

         I have learned some beautiful things about my God in the past year... and most of them have come from God revealing parts of my Original Design to me. God has been meeting me in ways that I never knew he even wanted to. For a great majority of my life, I ran after the beauty I saw in awesome stories. I love stories. There is something about a great story that fills me with a sense of longing, a sense that I must find something like it but just don't know where to look. As an adolescent, I sought out stories that made my heart leap, and I would attach my heart as much as possible to a story in order to somehow feel as if it could be my story. I knew in my heart, but not my mind, that I was made for what I longed for. But I didn't attribute the quality I searched for to God; God was on one side and my longings and desires were on another, and they stayed distant from one another. 

          Over the past few years, God has taken those two "sides" and smashed them together like two big sticky pieces of Play Dough. He has begun to show me, among other things, that He chose for me to love stories in the way that I do because He loves stories. He is adventurous. And He made me that way on purpose not only because He loves the same thing (I was made in His image), but because God himself wants to connect with me in that specific way. Furthermore, He made each person with a set of things that make his/her heart leap, and that is where God wants to meet us!

          The most exciting part to me is that God is continually showing me more and more about that idea, which I like to call our Original Design. However, far too often, I have not been living out of this knowledge. In my mind, I believe that God is the summation of the longings I have always had. But if I believe that, then why don't I act each day out of that knowledge? I know for a fact that I am not alone when I say that I have observed inconsistent patterns of living out of this truth that I claim to know. Shouldn't I be living how I want to more consistently if I believed these things about myself and about God every day?

          One thing that I have realized is that I don't consistently believe these things about myself. This year, I have become increasingly aware of the struggle for truth that happens every day in every person's heart. If Satan is the father of lies, then surely his plan for foiling God's plan for us is to convince us to perceive ourselves, the world, and God in a completely false way. I have become painfully aware this year of how many lies I have been believing about myself and about God, and the effect each false perception has had on my spiritual life. If I believe I am insufficient, my actions will be automatically based on that perception. If I wake up believing God isn't truly the object of my affections (which unfortunately happens a little too often), then I am going to chase after idols all day. The problem is that most of the time, it isn't a choice... it is a matter of clarity. If I think one of my idols is what my heart truly longs for instead of realizing it is a shadow of something that looks similar to a desirable quality of God (and I am self aware at that moment enough to realize that in the first place), then I will act out of what I perceive to be true. If I truly believe that I am insufficient, then it is hard for me to "choose" to believe something different; the fact remains that the "evidence" seems to stack up to show what the truth is. Thankfully, I have had some great friends this year who have helped me work through the lies from my past that have piled up to make me believe this about myself. But when I hear a condemning voice that is telling me something about who I am, I have to realize what is going on enough to stop and ask God, "What is true?"

Clarity is of paramount importance.
God, what am I believing about myself or about You that isn't true? Well then... what IS true?


          We have to ask this question more often and be ready to listen for the answer! A friend of mine says all the time that God is dying to tell us what is true about us, what our Original Design is, and we just don't stop to listen. I am inclined to believe her...

          It is a travesty that we don't believe what is true about us... that we don't even know that God has made us each with a set of skills and gifts that he plans on growing and teaching us to use for his glory. If the enemy can convince us the opposite is true, then we become no longer a threat to use our gifts to release the hearts of those around us. And each one of us has the capacity to fit like a necessary cog in the machine that is the Body of Christ. The Body needs our gifts, because God made it to need our gifts. Each day we live out of our Original Design is a day that the rest of the Body must live without a set of its necessary parts. So let's run after the truth!

John 8:31-32: "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'"

A Long Time Coming

This is definitely something that has been. (^^^^see title)

For the past year or so, I have been contemplating sharing parts of what God has been teaching me with the outside world via starting a blog. I've been hesitant, though, for a few reasons. First, I don't really read many blogs so I feel a little funny starting one. Second, there are plenty of blogs like this one, including one that my dad, Jim Branch, writes (it's http://jb-bluebookblog.blogspot.com, it's pretty legit). Part of me just felt like I would be writing similar but inferior things, and people could just go somewhere else to learn from smarter people. I know it's silly, but it's how I felt.

Recently, though, I have begun learning about who God made me to be. It is a lie that I have to be someone really important to be used by Him. He loves to speak through the most unlikely people. He loves the poor in spirit. The people he loves to speak to aren't the most important people, but the people who are the most needy. And recently, I think He has brought me to the point where I am just needy. And through that neediness I have gotten to be with God in a lot of special ways... and learn more about what He made me for.

God has called me to be a thinker. I am simply made that way. I may be a little spacey, I may get distracted by something moving erratically while someone is talking to me, and I may look like a total fool sometimes when I am looking for my keys when they were in my hand the whole time... but darn it, I am a thinker. It is because I live in my own mind for a large part of my existence, and that has its advantages and drawbacks. But I think that because I am someone who is constantly pitting ideas against one another in my own mind, a place to share the results of that mental sparring is a great way to contribute to the Body of Christ.

As I began to realize some key things about who I really am this year, I realized that writing is going to be something that I need to get used to if I am going to seriously exercise the full extent of the what He wants to pull out of me for the edification of the Body (and each person reading this, I believe, has a unique set of these things God wants to pull out in the same way). God has piqued my interest in the idea of writing for Him. And who knows what that even looks like. I am still trying to figure out how to unpack the word "writing" as it pertains to what in the world I might write about. But with the idea of "writing" came the idea of making a blog about the things I am learning about and discussing with God... and so here I am, doing something I never thought I would do.



Blogging's the thing I'm talking about by the way...


Recommended expectations

1. So I have a hard time a lot of the time with whether to try saying things in an eloquent way, or whether to just say the stuff I am thinking in the same way I would just talk normally. I will be doing both, maybe even in the same sentence. So you can probably expect some fun changes of writing style at random times in this blog.

2. One of the things I struggle with is inconsistency. I see patterns of it around my life. It is probably a safe bet that inconsistency will eventually find its way to this blog. So don't be surprised if there are like 2 posts in one week, and 0 posts in the next week, and the week after, and then 40 the next week... or something like that. Maybe not 40.

3. For some reason, I always end up trying to make jokes about things that are serious, which I don't really know how that is going to work its way into really serious and spiritual things. So that will be interesting. There will definitely be some awkward swings between serious things and joke things, most of which will be accidental. But not all of them. Definitely some of them will be on purpose.





All this to say, I am excited about offering up my special places of learning. I love the idea of partnering with other believers in learning. I hope that as I write down things I have been thinking through, it will help spark ideas and truths about who each of us were made to be, specifically and generally. I have a passion for the uncovering of the truth. And that comes out in a lot of the things I write. And although writing deep things for everyone to see isn't something I am always very comfortable with, I know that it's worth it, and that this is what God wants me to do. It is always so much easier for me to tell when God wants me to do something when it is something I don't really want to do...

I hope that anyone who decides to read this blog will find it sharpening to their faith. I think even if no one else does, it will be sharpening mine.

Cheers (I went to London this summer and so now I say that),

Tim